“Just be you,” he chided.
That day, I stood in the living room as his loving admonishment thrust like a spear right into the heart of the little girl inside me. The little girl who, occasionally, is still afraid that who she is may not be good enough, accepted, liked, loved or appreciated by those around her. And there I was – wearing my big girl panties and all – trying to walk bravely into yet another new environment (new church, new job, new civic group, new community) to be exposed to these possibilities all over again.
In those instances, it seems my most authentic attribute is my fear.
A woman’s tendency to hide herself is more of a defense mechanism than a flagrant stab at phoniness. If we take the time to dig deeper, we’ll find it’s usually driven by two core fears:
- Fear of judgment (negative evaluation or criticism)
- Fear of rejection (loss or exclusion)
Somewhere along life’s journey we receive a false message that who we truly are isn’t good enough:
- Maybe a unique aspect of our personality is mislabeled as a flaw – something negative or undesirable.
- Maybe it seems someone sifts over all your good attributes simply to highlight your flaws.
- Maybe a friendship or potential romantic relationship ends without warning or without explanation. Subconsciously, you draw the conclusion that something must be wrong with you.
- Maybe – despite your best efforts to showcase your winning personality – that coworker, church member, neighbor or classmate just dislikes you for seemingly no reason at all. Again, you draw the conclusion that something must be wrong with you
Whatever the case, the pain that accompanies rejection and loss is not soon forgotten, and here is where the masks begin to appear. Without realizing it we trade our most authentic selves for whom we think may be more acceptable. And we do so in hopes of avoiding those painful waters of rejection ever again.
Does it work? Nope! You soon realize that even the mask(s) you’re wearing won’t please everyone. The vicious cycle continues. All the while the beautifully human woman God created you to be is dying to be set free.
Sound familiar?
Next time you feel yourself being less than authentic, stop and ask yourself this question:
What is the fear that’s driving me to cover up who I am in an effort to protect myself?
Join me next week as I share a few ways to embrace the beauty of you and defeat the desire to cover up or mask the real you.
#52weekstoBE
#becompletetlyyou
P.S. Maybe this isn’t your struggle, but it’s undoubtedly the struggle of a woman you know. If she crossed your mind while reading this post, please share it with her. The world is waiting for the beautiful woman she is to make an appearance.
Hi Monica
First off, I’m so excited for you to be sharing at the conference and I wish I could be there! I know you will touch the hearts and minds of the young women attending.
I’m very thankful because I know that it is only through God that I have received some gracious healing and strength and that has helped me to see who I really am. Thank you Monica for being so helpful in my journey!
I’ve read the last couple of your posts each week and I’ve loved them but I haven’t been able to articulate what I wanted to say in response. I realized that I didn’t have any words for it because I don’t even know who the authentic me really is. I’ve never been able to fully see it, let alone embrace it because from a very young age, just like you wrote I’ve had a fear of judgment and rejection.
However, I also noticed that recently I have really started to find out who the authentic me is, and she’s not so bad! A little odd, but a pretty good young woman
Hi there Courtney,
Isn’t it good to know you’re never alone in your journey to become all that God created you to be. I’m right there with you. I’m so glad you’re growing in confidence in boldly being that beautiful woman a God saw when He created you. Judgment and rejection will come in this life. Just hold fast to the truth of what God says about you. His truth is all that matters.![🙂](https://s.w.org/images/core/emoji/15.0.3/svg/1f642.svg)
Monica, you have hit on a subject I think so many of us struggle with indeed. Those little lies get so ingrained that it’s hard digging our true selves out.
Well, at least we don’t have to struggle alone and can encourage each other. We can also do our part by consciously encouraging others to just be themselves and loving people for who they are – the good and the bad. No one’s perfect, and we won’t like every aspect of a person (or even every aspect of ourselves, for that matter), but authenticity is just so important.
[…] A woman’s tendency to hide herself is more of a defense mechanism than a flagrant stab at phoniness. If we take the time to dig deeper, we’ll find it’s usually driven by two core fears –Monica, Authentic Fear, 2 Enemies of Personal Authenticity […]
Fear of judgment is one of mine. I’ve had this for a long time even during the time I was working through my own issues. I was being judged on something that I was trying to let my fear go in.
I’ve learned that it’s hard to try to be everything that we are, and still hold back. That it’s impossible to be authentic and hide at the same time.
What has helped me find my true voice (quirky as it is most of the time) is stepping back from everything, and just listening. Find out how I really feel about issues, and not be told what I’m expected to feel.
I’m still embracing my authentic self–which is hard to do, because it seems like I’m always changing, but change is good! I just have to learn how to accept that I’m forever evolving.
Kalley, I can relate so, so much to your comment. I read it twice, each time thinking, “umm hmm!! And when you labeled your true voice “quirky,” I was thinking “oh yeah, that’s me.” It is hard to embrace an ever-evolving self, but I think that’s half the battle – knowing that we are always growing and changing (hopefully) and accepting ourselves every step of the way. I believe there’s boat loads of freedom in that place and that’s right where God wants us to be. I’ll keep working at it if you will. Thank you so much for stopping by. I love seeing new faces. Hope you’ll join me again soon.
None of us are immune to insecurity, female and male alike. How we react might be different but that’s it. Funny, when we do trust in our Father and who He called us to be, the world perceives His power within us. Revering Him instead of what the world thinks of us can carry us a long way. Excellent post. Thanks to Wanda for linking it up!
Hi Floyd, so nice to have a man’s perspective. I’m sure other ladies would agree that it’s nice to know we’re not alone in this struggle. “Funny, when we do trust in our Father and who He called us to be, the world perceives His power within us. Revering Him instead of what the world thinks of us can carry us a long way.” These two sentences are packed with truth. I’ve found myself reading them a few times. I pray we will all come to revere God more than man and his limited thoughts of us. Thanks so much for stopping by and for commenting.