Sunday, October 1, 2017

Clinging to the Good I Want to Do

I just read my last blog post, and I swear I lived that exact same scene the other night.

After dinner, the Mr. and I stopped by the mall to run an errand. Before leaving, he wanted to feed a sweet tooth. So once again, I found myself smack dab in the middle of a food court.

We started out at Cinnabon – you know the cinnamon, icing and bread place. Then we trekked across the food court to the Great American Cookie Company. I caught myself spellbound, staring at the chewy pecan supreme cookies and the double doozies (Ohhh the DOUBLE DOOZIES). After deciding he didn’t want cookies, we headed back to Cinnabon. In the meantime, people whizzed past me with Dairy Queen blizzards, cookies, Cinnabons. Y’all I thought I’d pass out. For real. My head was spinning. It was crazy.

So it was even crazier to realize my last blog post pretty much chronicled the exact same scene. Me in a food court (likely the same one) and wanting to eat ALL the junk food. ALL OF IT!

That post was written over a year ago – the longest I’ve ever gone between posts. When I first started to read it, I felt a twinge of shame. I thought to myself, “Wow, over a year later and here you are battling the same demons.” It’s true, between then and now I’ve fallen off the healthy eating wagon many times. At some point, I think I just climbed off, sat on the sidewalk and yielded myself to the “bad foods” that were a lot more fun to eat and seemed to be winning anyway. But as I continued reading, that post blessed me. It reminded me how just acknowledging the craziness of my cravings sucked a bit of life out of them. I got past it that day. And got past it this time, too.

Some of the weaknesses we encounter in our humanity are harder to tame than others and not as easy to put aside as we’d like them to be. The Apostle Paul talked about this in Romans 7:14-25. He laments in verse 19, “For the good that I want I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want.” Now doesn’t that sound like it could be applied to a good old fashioned healthy eating struggle? It sure has been my story. So, this summer, I tried to attack it a different way.

First, I asked for help. A few months ago after our vacation, I sat down and had a come to Jesus meeting (with just me and Jesus) in my journal. The entry started like this:

“I started this on a new page, because these words will be harsh yet truthful. I may just need to toss them after I face them.”

I needed to face the fact that I was once again off track and needed His help getting back on and staying on, because clearly my will alone isn’t quite strong enough.

Then I tried to grab support and accountability – COMMUNITY – wherever I could find it. It helps to have a loving, supportive husband (who, of course, doesn’t want to hear me complaining about my stomach feeling out of whack all the time, either). But I also use my Instagram page a lot. There I follow, chat with and am totally inspired by other #healthfoodies, and I find new recipes to make. I also share my journey through pics of meals, grocery hauls and food prep. It’s a lot of fun and somehow encourages me to keep going.

It’s been almost two months since I met with Jesus in my journal that day, and I feel good. I’m down a few pounds. I sleep harder, and I have much more energy throughout the day. I have manageable pain during “that special time of the month” and minimal bloating. That’s enough to make me dance right there.

And I cook y’all. I’m so NOT a cook. I really don’t like to. But dare I say, I’m beginning to enjoy it a little. Because I know when I cook it means another week of eating well. Those are baby steps to some, but very important steps for me. I’m not perfect, but I’m finding balance and trying to cling to the good that I want to do.

So that’s where I am today. What’s going on in your world? What is the “good” you want to do but can’t seem to cling to tight enough?