Monday, April 18, 2011

O to the 4th Power

This morning, as I walked into my church, tucked away safely in the fold of my left arm was a compact black bible and a pink heart journal.  I never take my personal journal to church.  This morning, however, I had an acute sense that the thoughts, questions, and concerns tumbling aimlessly around in my mind and my heart would very soon need a safe place to land.

As the first notes of praise and worship music began to flood the air, tears began to flood my eyes, as if on cue.  Worship through song always seems to inflate the love for the Lord that lives in my heart.  This morning, it magnified how sorely I miss my unlimited opportunities, of days gone by, for prayer and devotion and just to sit for hours in the presence of the Lord.

Moments later, I took my seat and my pen took off with these seemingly random yet wholly intertwined thoughts:

“I feel so humbled during worship, because it is at that moment that I realize the Spirit of the living God is so ALIVE within me.  It is then that I realize that You are the perfection that dwells voluntarily amidst my wasteland of imperfection.  How do I embrace the solitary, introverted, self-focused, and self-critical characteristics of me that You love so freely?”

I stopped for a moment, but I wasn’t finished.  Slowly, the ink began to spew more thoughts:

“I often feel alone in my quest for God’s truth.  I think about my days and wonder how I can get into a rhythm.  How can I get organized?  How can I eat better?  Live better?  Do life better, relationships better…”

“I want so much to touch the lives of women with the freedom You’ve given me, but sometimes I wonder if I should let it all go.  I sit as a silent mentee under the tutelage of a select few who do what I desire to do, and I think to myself, ‘there’s no way You chose me.  My words tumble haphazardly, at best, from my tongue.  They are not by any means polished or eloquent.  Instead they feel raggedy with countless frayed edges.’  I feel so unqualified and unworthy.  I don’t feel like I spend enough time studying anymore. I often feel like there’s no need for my story, my voice, my teaching.  Are the prickly pins of desire within me even from God at all?” 

Somewhere throughout the service I heard the word “opportunity”, and immediately I wrote it down.  Do I view each day as a new opportunity?  For each night that I go to bed flailing at these thoughts of inadequacy and defeat, do I greet each morning I wake up as a new opportunity to get it right or do it better (whatever “it” may be) – to become more organized, to manage my time better, to eat better, to exercise a bit more, to call that person who’s been on my mind for a while, to minister to that young lady whose relationship is far less than God’s best for her, to study more, to write more, to pray more, to believe more?

Today was a beautiful day in my small corner of the world.  I purposely chose a leisurely route home to further ponder the days of my life and the words that so adamantly filled the pages of my journal during Sunday morning worship service.  “Who wakes you up each morning,” whispered a question in my head.  “Who offers you this new day of new opportunity?”  From there, more O words filled my head with the answer.  My heavenly Father…  He is the One who is everywhere all of the time, who knows all, and has all power and authority.

I’m glad this is posting on “the next day”.  It will serve as my reminder to leave my concerns at the throne of the Omnipresent, Omniscient, and Omnipotent God and embrace the opportunity afforded by the blessing of this brand new day.